a letter to that mama

November 21, 2017


dear mama,

I see you. I can see your worry and the guilt already starting to add up. you're sitting on the floor building legos, or playing dress up with your first baby, when you feel it. those little kicks from your sweet miracle growing. it may have been planned, or been a complete surprise, but it's already starting. those feelings. I see you mama.

most days, the only thing reminding you of the new life growing inside of you, are those kicks. you don't get to stop your day to sit on the couch to soak in all the movements like you had done the first time around. you are busy running a household. folding laundry, making dinner. playdates, school events + chasing after a very busy toddler, who by the way, looks 5 years older ever since that test read "positive".

there is no baby book, logging every new craving, or new outfit that you picked up when you were casually strolling along in the baby section with your hot latte. your new sonogram pictures might get crinkled by the little hands of your first, because they "want to see their new baby". you cry at the thought of that. at the thought of a new little person, stealing the attention. how will you juggle it? how will you be in two places at once? how can you divide your heart? I see you mama.

you'll pack your hospital bag and wipe away the tears. bringing some "hand me downs" and trying to remember when your first was that small. hoping that you don't mess up. that you remember how to do the newborn phase. worrying about how your first will handle this new chapter. will they act out for attention? will they get jealous? will they be accepting? you'll wipe away the tears.

you'll give them their last "my only baby" hug and kiss. it might last a minute, but it'll feel like seconds. you know when you return home, it won't be the same. you will have to teach them to share with the baby, even their favorite toy. you will have to teach them about patience. that "the baby needs to eat, so just give mom a second". you'll see their face turn down when they've said "mom look at me" for the 76th time. you're trying. my god you are trying so hard. I see you mama.

some days will be really hard. you'll pray to find the balance. some days you'll feel like super mom, and some days you'll question everything. but every day, you do it.

everyday you love like crazy. you kiss every boo-boo. you prepare every meal, and give every bottle. you build every castle and you shake every rattle. you'll have play-doh in your hair, but fuck, that's better than never taking it out of the box, right? you'll appreciate every single second that you get one-on-one with your babies, and every second you are blessed to see them together.

some days you'll give yourself a "time-out" for the sole purpose of just catching your breath. take it. you deserve it. you deserve that moment, for all that you have done. you deserve that, and so much more. you've gotten through the fears and the worries. you've gotten through the sleepless nights. you've found your rhythm. you deserve it. I see you mama.





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