it won't be like this for long

January 25, 2015

ironically, that's the song my dad + i danced to at my wedding. a memory i hold near + dear to my damaged heart. you don't remember much from your wedding day, but that moment, feels like it happened this morning. it feels like he was here this morning too. 

i had an amazing upbringing, but honestly, i can't recall a lot of events. i can't recall the christmas presents, or the birthdays. but i do remember the beach days. coming home from high school and having my dad waiting for me to chat about my day. 

but what i remember most, i hate. i hate how i handled his illness. i hate the anger i had towards him, like it was his decision. almost as if he could see how mad i was, he would change his fate.

just about 3 months pregnant, during one of our last conversation, i told him how i felt. i told him how angry i was, even though i am sure he already knew. he looked up at me and said "you can't be mad. this is life. and it's okay.

but it wasn't just him leaving me that brought me anger. it was everything that brought us to that day. it was all the hospital visits, the surgeries, the family arguments. it was the years of bullshit. the years of lying and stealing. pulling her out of houses that should've been condemned, then watching her leave for another all expenses paid trip to go find herself. it was not being there for her wedding, but raising her kids. 

it was my dad never being angry towards her, no matter what she did. in the winter months, while my mother cried herself to sleep, he would leave winter coats where she "lived", and bring her out to the diner for a meal. they would talk over hot soup and then he would drop her back to where she wanted to be.

he never held anger against anyone. i think that's why i was so mad, because he couldn't be. i was angry for him. i was angry for myself, my mother & my dad. i was angry for her kids. i couldn't understand why someone would choose that life. the bullshit.

it was the big argument of letting her come back, and it ending with an i told you so. it was the court dates, the custody battles. it was the last years of my dad's life. the heartache and the bullshit. 

i was gifted (some say cursed) with quitting people cold turkey. if you bring nothing to my life, you won't be in it. if you've hurt me, and i give you another chance, and you screw up again, you're gone. i have zero sympathy. you're responsible for your life, good and bad. you make bad choices, bad things will happen. it's not hard. 

it's been just about 2 years since our last conversation, if that's what you want to call it. there was no invitation to my wedding, no birthday wishes sent + my daughter will not know of her existence, or all the bullshit. she came to my dad's funeral, i guess for closure. i saw her walk in, felt my blood boil, then carried on. not a word was exchanged.

people are in your life for a reason and a season. whatever is it, enjoy it. learn from it + let it go if it needs to be forgotten. you can't be mad. this is life, and it's okay. it won't be like this for long.


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