it won't be like this for long

January 25, 2015

ironically, that's the song my dad + i danced to at my wedding. a memory i hold near + dear to my damaged heart. you don't remember much from your wedding day, but that moment, feels like it happened this morning. it feels like he was here this morning too. 

i had an amazing upbringing, but honestly, i can't recall a lot of events. i can't recall the christmas presents, or the birthdays. but i do remember the beach days. coming home from high school and having my dad waiting for me to chat about my day. 

but what i remember most, i hate. i hate how i handled his illness. i hate the anger i had towards him, like it was his decision. almost as if he could see how mad i was, he would change his fate.

just about 3 months pregnant, during one of our last conversation, i told him how i felt. i told him how angry i was, even though i am sure he already knew. he looked up at me and said "you can't be mad. this is life. and it's okay.

but it wasn't just him leaving me that brought me anger. it was everything that brought us to that day. it was all the hospital visits, the surgeries, the family arguments. it was the years of bullshit. the years of lying and stealing. pulling her out of houses that should've been condemned, then watching her leave for another all expenses paid trip to go find herself. it was not being there for her wedding, but raising her kids. 

it was my dad never being angry towards her, no matter what she did. in the winter months, while my mother cried herself to sleep, he would leave winter coats where she "lived", and bring her out to the diner for a meal. they would talk over hot soup and then he would drop her back to where she wanted to be.

he never held anger against anyone. i think that's why i was so mad, because he couldn't be. i was angry for him. i was angry for myself, my mother & my dad. i was angry for her kids. i couldn't understand why someone would choose that life. the bullshit.

it was the big argument of letting her come back, and it ending with an i told you so. it was the court dates, the custody battles. it was the last years of my dad's life. the heartache and the bullshit. 

i was gifted (some say cursed) with quitting people cold turkey. if you bring nothing to my life, you won't be in it. if you've hurt me, and i give you another chance, and you screw up again, you're gone. i have zero sympathy. you're responsible for your life, good and bad. you make bad choices, bad things will happen. it's not hard. 

it's been just about 2 years since our last conversation, if that's what you want to call it. there was no invitation to my wedding, no birthday wishes sent + my daughter will not know of her existence, or all the bullshit. she came to my dad's funeral, i guess for closure. i saw her walk in, felt my blood boil, then carried on. not a word was exchanged.

people are in your life for a reason and a season. whatever is it, enjoy it. learn from it + let it go if it needs to be forgotten. you can't be mad. this is life, and it's okay. it won't be like this for long.


product review | ERGO

January 15, 2015

i never thought i would be a "baby wearing" mom honestly. once becoming pregnant, i started following some instagram accounts, featuring nursing moms [since i was one] and a lot of them would nurse while their baby was in a wrap/babycarrier. still, i wasn't too into the look

when my daughter wanted to be held for 3 days straight, i went to the store and bought a K'TAN baby wrap. having done no research prior to this purchase, i came home, and realized that i bought a wrap that was sized, and of course, i bought the wrong size.

i still used it [which i don't recommend] but i knew i wasn't being safe. so i returned it, and bought the MOBY. i had heard great things about this. the only negative was that there was so much fabric, since it was a "one size fits all". well, I'm 110lbs. so the amount of extra fabric was ridiculous. it was always dragging on the floor when i would put it on. i wound up putting it on at home, so it didn't touch the ground outside. not the worst thing, but definitely not the best.

it was pretty simple to put on, but i hated that it was a thick material, so i would sweat, which would make my daughter sweat. she never slept in it either. i liked it, maybe giving it a 7/10 rating. i kept it for about a month.

during that month, i got together with my girlfriend a few times, who had recently had her daughter. she had gotten the ERGO at her baby shower. i watched her put it on and take it off with no problems. a lot quicker than me getting my daughter in and out of the MOBY. her daughter was sleeping in it too. 

the only thing that was stopping me from returning yet another baby wrap, was the price of the ERGO .. $160 and up. i slept on it for a few days, even searching those mommy for sale pages online to see if anyone was selling a pre-loved one. everyone who had one, raved over it. okay, okay. finally, i decided to return the MOBY, and use the money for the ERGO. what's the worst that could happen?

i loved it

seriously. this thing is amazing. it's super easy to put on and take off .. and getting the baby in and out is a breeze. its light weight, has padding around the baby's thigh areas, and comes in adorable colors and patterns. they also are made with different types of material, depending on how you plan to use your ERGO. they are structured multi-carriers too .. so you can wear your baby in different positions. 


the best part? my daughter would sleep so soundly in this thing. it was amazing! i even raked my whole front yard with my daughter in the ERGO .. and she slept the whole time. SCORE! 


beauty hack | shellac nails

January 6, 2015

it's time to get back to my roots. i started my blog/youtube channel because i wanted to share my affordable beauty finds, tricks + tips to make your days a little easier. along the way, i got married, pregnant, and bought our first home. i decided to share my life with you guys, but thought you could all appreciate a little beauty hack.

i can't tell you the last time i paid someone to give me a manicure. i am so picky when it comes to my nails. they need to be a certain shape, length + need to be polished a certain way. my nails have always grown super quick, and there is no way i could justify spending $20 a week, just for them to chip 3 days later. no thank you. 

this began my nail polish obsession. since i have been doing my manicures myself, for years, i have realized that instead of paying top dollar for the new shellac products, you could do it at home. with no UV lights or special equipment. i have tried this with different brands, and have found the ones that seem to work the best for me.

here ya go ladies!

what you'll need:

a base coat
i use seché crystal clear base coat

colored polish

matte polish
i have been using essie

a clear top coat
i use seché dry fast top coat

what you'll do:

apply your base coat
when that sets, apply two coats of your colored polish

once dry, apply one thick coat of matte polish
this tends to dry pretty quick, but still wait a few minutes to make sure it's fully set

then apply your top shine coat

you want to make sure, which each coat, that you cover the entire nail - especially the tip of the nail. if you miss the tip, your nails have a greater chance of chipping since there is no barrier of protection.


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