post partum | 11 weeks

July 21, 2014

i really can't believe how fast time has gone. it seriously feels like yesterday we were in the hospital, anxiously awaiting the arrival of our girl. it's hard to believe she has been in our arms for 11 weeks. we had the Dr's last week and she has grown so much already. i cried, of course. some of her clothes are starting to get tight, and John insists i "pack them away" but i just can't bring myself to do that yet. i cried again, of course. they are still hanging in her closet at the moment. i will have to have a few shots of tequila before i can bring myself to "pack them up". not today.

the beginning was hard for sure. i played a huge role in the raising of my nephews, so i thought i was prepared. nope. i cried when we left the hospital. 

what if she cries and i can't stop it?
would i drop her?
what if i can't breastfeed her without the help of a nurse?

it was not fun. of course, i had John to help me - but come on moms .. we all wish one of those nurses were coming home with us!

i cried the first few days, only when she would cry & it took me a little while to calm her down. she slept great, but when she was awake, i just felt like she wasn't "happy". i am not sure what "happy" exactly looks like on a 4 day old baby, but i just had a gut feeling that she wasn't feeling it.

John's job gave him 2 weeks of "bonding time" which was amazing. since i was breastfeeding, it meant i always had a little person on my nipple at all times. John would make me my meals, make sure i was drinking & feed me most of the time. i tried out all the different "feeding" positions, and finally found the one that worked best for us, which required both hands. but once John went back to work, it was hard. i wasn't eating, i was barely drinking, and was lucky if i brushed my teeth before he got home at 8pm.

i would always hear stories of this, but thought:
"no way! can't you just put the baby down & eat? .. come on now!"

well screw me. because that is not how that shit worked. at least not with my baby. she was eating every 2 hours, but feeding would take around 30-45 minutes, which gave me less than 1.5 hours in between feedings. it wasn't horrible, but it was hard. being alone for 14 hours a day, with a crying baby who you were trying to bond with. 

there were many times where i would text John and just curse him out. i was so angry. i wanted him home & he wasn't. he was at work. and i was home with a screaming child attached to my nipples. lucky man. 

overtime, this obviously stopped. lucky for him. i came to the conclusion that i was not producing enough milk to nurse exclusively. again, i cried of course. but what was even harder, was finding the right formula to give to my baby.

we tired 2, then finally the 3rd was our miracle. pricey as shit, but our miracle nonetheless. then we had switched up her bottles. that was fun. 4 tries later & we found the perfect combination. and i can honestly tell you, it was like i had a new baby. she was so happy. finally, i knew what "happy" looked like & my little girl was glowing. i was able to pick up on her hunger cues before she would scream bloody murder. thank the lord.

happy baby = happy mommy = not screaming at daddy

my weight was another story. i have always had trouble gaining weight. a curse, i know. so i was pretty excited to gain weight while pregnant. well, since little miss kept me vomiting for the first 6 months, i wound up losing weight in the beginning. 

eventually this stopped, and my appetite came back. and i was loving it.

i had a number that i wanted to "stay under", but at the same time, i really allowed my body to do what it needed to do. i wound up staying under the "number", which was a bonus. 4 days after baby, i lost half the weight, and now 11 weeks after baby, i only have about 5 pounds left to lose. but i have happily chosen to keep them! crazy right?! 

the only time i weight myself, if when i go to the Drs. we still haven't unpacked out scale in our new house so i could have more than 5 pounds at the moment, but at my 6 week gyno appointment - it was 5 pounds. i am not on any diet. i am enjoying myself. i need to keep myself happy in order to keep my baby happy, my house tidy & my husband glad to come home at night. the number on the scale does not define me. i want to look good & feel good. i am not there 100%, but i know there are more important things in life that require my attention: my baby & my marriage.

of course, i will be toning myself up .. when i find the time. but honestly, tending to a baby really does help. my arms are stronger from picking her up. my legs are stronger from "lunging" constantly. and my belly is a littttttle toned from rocking her back & forth. 

my stomach will be my target body part when i do decide to put fitness back on my "to-do list". but most of my old clothes fit me again, so i know i am on the right track. no complaints.

before the bump

during the bump

after the bump

i hope this helped the new mamas out there. no matter what you are feeling, it's normal. we are all in this together. support each other, don't tear each other down. don't worry about the number on the scale. worry about how many smiles your baby gives you during the day, and the kisses your husband gives you when he walks through the door. that's what life is about. enjoy it.

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